Uranus’ OKCupid Profile
Sky King Star, 4.5 billion years — Outer Spiral, Milky Way Galaxy — 84% Match
He/His — Queer, Bisexual — Monogamous
Politically conservative – Employed full-time – Aquarius
My self-summary
Ice giant.
Luminous blue atmosphere, smooth
glimmer. Majestic orbit, silky corona.
Cold ultraviolet sheen.
Seventh wanderer. A bit lonely.
What I’m doing with my life
I moved to the outer solar system about 4 billion years ago.
I like it better out here – nobody cares if I want to rotate
from east to west.
Six things I could never do without
I’m gonna cheat and say 27 things:
My moons … half rock, half ice, all heart.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Why all this emphasis on having a solid surface? What’s wrong with being a mass of churning liquid? What even is a surface anyway? Why does everyone care so much about the outside and not what’s on the inside?
My golden rule
Don’t let some astronomer’s toxic
telescope pass judgment on you. They might say
your magnetic fields are “chaotic”
and “a mess,” but what do they know?
Give your time to the ones who see you
as you are: the soft gray
of your inner rings, the subtlety
of your seasons.
A perfect day
would be super windy,
retrograde at the equator but flowing with my rotation
around the poles.
I could probably beat you at
Spinning while rotated at a 90 degree angle.
I’d love to find a companion to enjoy this extreme sport with me.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I may look featureless from far away,
but once you get close, I promise
you’ll have all the storms and cloud formations you could want.
What I’m actually looking for
Someone ammonia- and methane-compatible
to swirl fluids together.
(Note: If you’re composed of solid matter,
we might not be a good match – my extreme
temperatures could destroy you.
Sorry.)
You should message me if
… you’re not going to make jokes about my name.
… you don’t mind life at a slower pace.
… you’re drawn to the twisted spirals
of my magnetic sphere, the way they extend
out into space: a shield of protection that opens
and closes in its own time.